Updated: Dec 9, 2020
I am in flux. Are you? I am trying hard to be an entrepreneur and it is draining. I am struggling in my exploration on how to build my practice and transition careers from a place of authenticity and love. A place where I can do what I love and spend my day sharing my knowledge and positivity.
In my quest to create a better life for me and my children, my passion led my thirst for knowledge to survive. Landing here, with years of focused attention to the emotions and behaviours that create our reality, in education, employment and relationships. The constant search for understanding how to deal with the negativity coming at us, constantly, quickly and without warning. The ability for some people to process emotions and move forward with positivity while others get “stuck” and get thrown off course. At every stage there are moments where I (we) make defining decisions that will impact the next choice, interaction and level of success. I always wonder how we continue landing in a place where logic no longer plays a role in thoughts and the effort to reclaim sanity becomes more difficult. Does that resonate with you?
I am trying to build my career from a place of love and caring in a world that is vibrating in a negative state. People are at their lowest because the world has stopped moving the way we know it. The joyful activities and distractions that used to keep us from having to dwell on our thoughts and look at ourselves every day, are now non existent. We are being challenged. Some may find it heartbreaking, some may find it intriguing but scary. I am choosing to embrace the change. You may want to come along on the journey with me.
I was so hesitant to take that first step that others dream about, the courage and the skills to put the story together and make change. Redefining who I am in this world, as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, confidant, partner, lover, parent, I am one person playing so many roles, checking in and comparing myself to others, for guidance not judgement. Questioning my upbringing compared to others, exploring my beliefs in respect to others, finding meaning in the different views of life and their contrasting family dynamics. Each experience is explored and analyzed, to uncover the core values that we base our adulting theories on.
My experience with trauma instilled a sense of reliance that I admire in myself. It impacted my ethics and morals because of my constant need to fight systems that are based on beliefs and research that no longer stand true. Our government systems have not been successful at staying relevant to the changing technological world. I have had to leave the pack of sheep and think outside the box to impact change. That process changed something inside of me. It began as anger but with therapy, I transformed it to tenacity, to a passion to be a changemaker.
Through this journey my tolerance of lies and misdirection disappeared. The amount of times someone said to me, “ we are working on it,” or “we have your child’s best interest at heart, leave it with us” Bull$%@! I was to take their word (not) or call it out. I learned to value truth and honesty as means for efficiency. I appreciate honesty and I would just like to be truthful at all times. That is difficult in our environment, in my experience I find people receive truth in negativity. Our brains are wired to put up defences the minute they sense fear. Truth is scary. Change is scary and truth usually encompasses change. BUT, what if the person who loves you and has shown that love, has something that will make your life better and you might be in one of those logical places where your brain is not making the best choices because emotions are leading. What if they actually have your best interest at heart? Ask yourself why your reaction to truth is negative? What is standing in your way of hearing “criticism” meant as support in a positive way to help you help yourself? Just wondering.
I have learned to respect that people are not willing or ready to receive my information. I realize that they are in their own place of sadness and at a low point in their own lives and are not ready or interested in my conversations for change. The thoughts about change may be in their mind but the process is overwhelming. Where do I start? How many tiny steps equal change? Time and energy needed? It’s just too much, I will start tomorrow. The triggers are real but the solutions are not.
I know this feeling. My reaction is instant to triggers and comes from a place of patterns. If I don’t recognize it happening, the next part of the interaction goes exactly the same way as it did every other day because one trigger hits another trigger and I am in trigger mode. This is where I need to be real. The place where we stop lying to ourselves and search out the truth, find the conversations or change.
I have a lot of truthful friends and we have really great conversations and they make me feel wonderful about my life. Even if I’m not making the right decisions, my friends identify with what I’m doing wrong and guide me making better choices. They are available to help me when I ask, and I learned how to ask. They give me space to gather my thoughts before we start on the journey where perspectives are challenged. I strive to do things differently, but it’s difficult and the support helps make it more comfortable. The end result is a better, stronger relationship with my partner, my children, my parents, my friends and most of all myself.
I’ve been having the same conversations with the same people for a very long time but due to Covid I am so lucky to have recently found a group of people willing to have great talks. We have all explored our Covid behavior, what our boundaries are and who we are keeping safe and we are very open and honest with each other about what we need to feel good. It is important to find a way to socialize and keep our mental health in check because we need each other right now. We’re not so good all on our own every day. If you know that and choose to be with people, find someone you can relate to. If that doesn’t work, there are lots of online options to help you, or reach out to me and I’ll help you find someone online.
I can’t imagine being alone. I have realized that the more happy people I come across the happier I am. I really believe that there is hope that everybody can find a sense of happiness in the life that they chose. Sometimes, we find ourselves living in the life that we don’t like but still choosing to stay because the consequences of leaving are too great. So if you’re going to stay at least make it work for you so you’re living in a negative situation but in a positive way. That will change your whole outlook, change who is attracted to you, change what you are attracted to, change how you work, feel, eat, burn calories, have sex and feel good about yourself. If you live in a place of negativity, you trigger the pain that is stored within you. If your thoughts are positive you will deal with your decisions in a positive way and the outcome will be completely different. It takes courage to recognize that you’re in a bad place and to act upon it. That means acknowledging you chose the wrong guy , or admit you hate your job or career, or you are overwhelmed by motherhood. Admitting the truth, identifying the problem and finding a solution are the first steps to a better life.
It seems that life never really gives us what we want and we always want what we don’t have. Then we get mad at ourselves for wanting it and we continue this vicious circle of not really changing anything but wasting time thinking of it. So I learned through therapy and all those meditation shows on YouTube, Tony Robbins etc., anything that motivated me, that I needed to be positive, I needed to move forward and needed to stay in a positive mind set and that life will bring me the things I require to be happy.
I want to continue sharing my message with you and hopefully you will engage with me and then spread the message further and we will create more love, understanding, compassion and boundaries and we will start talking about self-awareness
It’s time to think about all of this differently while we’re at home over this winter trying to figure out our Covid rules and our social norms, how to celebrate and how to grieve the lack of interaction with people we look forward to seeing once a year and the sadness that comes with not all celebrating the holidays the way we usually do. Here is the year you get to make one new tradition. Label 2020 as a sucky year but we have done so much to find the positive and to share the good and reflect on it, there is no way we can’t let 2020 count for something.